Burnout

I have spoken in the past about my passion for teaching HIV education at the primary school here, and this first week I was able to reacquaint myself with the program I helped put together in 2008.

However, an ongoing trend of the ups and downs of development work has become apparent - even more so than when I returned last year.

Out of the 17 students in our class given to us by the teacher in charge of the program (although we have requested to only have classes of 10), only eight passed the HIV education test given to them at the end of the week.

It's discouraging because not only are the students struggling with the concepts being taught to them, they are also attempting to overcome a steep learning curve by having the program taught in English.

I will be returning on Monday with Sma, one of our Zulu translators, to try to decipher which students are failing the class because of their poor English skills, or whether they just do not understand the concepts being taught to them.

It brings about questions for me that surround an issue that was in the headlines when I left Canada over a week ago. When Dalton McGuinty pulled the new proposal for teaching sex education in schools, I was outraged.

I am a firm believer that sex education taught at a young age will produce a culture of dialogue around issues of great importance, like sexually transmitted infections and relationships in general. Silencing education for primary school students stunts any progress we have made in being more conscious of what dialogue around an issue can positively accomplish.

Sex education has been a hot topic in the house since the South African student's test results came back. Some of those in the volunteer house never received sex education, and some were given a watered-down version of an anatomy lesson. It seems no one is satisfied with their own education around the subject. For as many problems as we have with the world's teaching (or lack thereof) of sex, we have no answers; or at least we can't seem to agree on any solutions.

It's a harsh reminder of development initiatives and the burnout that can happen around certain projects.

Hopefully we can revive a program that once had the students jumping out of their seats to answer questions and participate in games, and had an impeccable success rate.

Black or white

So begins another chapter of my tumultuous relationship with race in South Africa.

Even as I stepped off the plane, speaking my first words of Zulu since leaving last year, I was gawked at. I probably deserve it, because I judge right back.

I find myself resentful of whites here, as I always have. Even at the ticket counter, the white South African lies to me that the plane I'd like to get on is full. The black worker at the counter would later tell me that 21 people were on a flight that could hold 50. "You could have been there already!" he exclaims. He seems angry that I was been lied to, and asks if I can point out the man who lied to me two hours earlier, but he's gone.

I get a porter to carry my bags, they're always very friendly and although the Johannesburg airport is notorious for theft, I know the airport well enough to know who to stay away from and who is trustworthy. The porter laughs loudly when I speak in Zulu to him. He says something to the effect of whites not knowing black languages, and applauds me for my flawless accent (he lies, but I tell him I'll pass his compliment on to my teachers).

I struggle when people ask me if I'm afraid to come here. Afraid of the blacks is really what they mean. They don't expect me to be attacked by a white South African when in fact all of my bad experiences in town have been with extremely forward whites, not blacks.

But a glimmer of hope. Two workers from South African airways joke with me that I should be learning Afrikaans from the "coloured" South Africans, as it's different and fun. They get along - a symbol of Mandela's new South Africa, symbolized by the nation's rainbow flag. But it's a pipe dream, so far as I can see. It makes me sad.

I shouldn't judge. White South Africans have also sacrificed and done a lot to help the peace process here, and although I may see them as a symbol of oppression and apartheid, such thoughts need to be pushed aside if real development is to occur.

But I do have hope that one day it will be better. For now though, I sit remembering the racism of visits past, and it clouds my optimism for the "rainbow nation."

Some of my favourite Nelson Mandela quotes:

"Let freedom reign. The sun never set on so glorious a human achievement."

"If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa, there are also roads that lead to their goal. Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness."

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

"Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world."

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb."

Walk like you know where you're going

Everyone I have spoken to so far that has been traveling agrees - if you walk like you know where you're going, people won't bother you because you don't look like an easy target. When you look like you're in control, if you can create the illusion of being in-the-know, you sweep by everyone with ease. To master this ability is like art.

"My first day back on the road was a little tough. This trip was supposed to be taken with someone else, and being by myself is something I haven't experienced in a long time.

"For now though, I'm in Amsterdam with Emily. Yesterday she showed me around the city. I'm feeling somewhat melancholy that I should be leaving Europe so soon, since this was supposed to be just that: a trip to Europe. Change happens, as I wrote in a previous blog, and I must adapt. This trip is about enjoying every minute and not wishing my life away. Stop to smell the roses while you can, right?"

It's important, my mom always taught me, to live like this. Not hoping for tomorrow, when I'll be back in South Africa, but to live in this moment, in a beautiful cafe in rainy Amsterdam.

And to pretend that I belong. This trip is about pushing my boundaries in a different way than I have before. It's about fooling people into believing that I am confident when I am not.

Emily and I rode bikes around Amsterdam last night. For anyone who knows me, they know I am scared of bikes. For some reason I feel more comfortable on the back of a 17-hand, unpredictable Warmblood stallion than I do on the seat of a bike.

But I fooled everyone (except Emily who knew how scared I was). We rode through the red light district, through the town square. It was one of the most beautiful and exhilarating experiences of my life, and I'll never forget it.

If you walk (or ride) like you know where you're going, no one will know you are scared to death of bikes and the porters won't bother you in the Johannesburg airport. No one will know that you are walking in the opposite direction, that you're scared to death, or that it's your first joint.

They'll think you fit right in, that you were born to walk with confidence.

Something a little different

I am going to explain what it is I plan on doing here, since I have been blogging about my trips to South Africa for long enough that it seems a little pointless to bore you with the same old jazz all the time.

I was given the idea of creating more blogs as "profiles" of people that I meet on my trip, which I plan on doing. I think it's a great way to have you all get to know the people that I meet.

As always, this is a journey of self-discovery, and so I'm going to take a little bit of a more personal route. I will attempt to include parts from the journal that I keep. I hope this will help you get to know me a little better, and I'm sure this will be a little more candid than my last blogs.

Allons-y!

-A

I take it back

I lied. I think maybe I do need to find myself again.

Sometimes I wonder if I've hit that weird quarter-life crisis we've discussed so often during production nights at The Cord. I feel like that one section in Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go" about "The Waiting Place."

I've graduated, I have a great job lined up as Editor-in-Chief, and I've been accepted to some amazing graduate schools to study African development, something I've wanted to study since before I can remember. But I still get this weird feeling of not being fulfilled - is it that I'm missing Africa? Do I crave adventure more than I realize?

Maybe it's just the result of all the changes that have gone on in my life this month, not just with this trip. I've moved into a new apartment, graduation is around the corner. Is it perhaps that I've misjudged my adaptability? Am I not the chameleon I thought I was?

Or is it just those pre-trip jitters?

Maybe I'll learn more about myself on this trip than I thought...

-A

...You can get so confused

that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

A New Leaf

When I was 12, my family's car broke down on our way back from vacation in Florida and all I could do was be excited that the motel in the hick town we ended up in had a pool.

People say I'm adaptable. Rolling with the punches is a quality I tend to take pride in.

So when my plans changed from backpacking Europe to another volunteer stint in Africa, one can imagine I adapted quite quickly.

I found flights and my accommodations within days - hours, really. But was it too quick? Maybe some would say yes, that to change my plans and life so drastically could only be the workings of a woman on the edge. But I'm not.

Others are saying that I'll go to Africa to "find myself again." But the truth is that I haven't been lost in quite some time. Probably not since my first trip to the continent. I always learn new things about myself while I'm out on the project, but in no way do I believe I will have an epiphany and become a new person.

This trip is to take time for myself, to learn and grow and see what I can make of life when I return. It's a chance to show myself that on a whim I can enjoy myself with just... myself.

I refuse to be sad or mad when things change, because from the outset no one can tell if change will be good or bad, so who am I to judge what the future holds?

I used to fear change, until my dad made me read the self-help book "Who Moved My Cheese?" When he forced me to sit and read it at age 13, I didn't understand why accepting change was so important. Now, I understand that if you're not adaptable in the world, you'd better move over because there are some real chameleons out there. There's no use having a freak-out over changes you can't control.

This is becoming so cliche it's hurting my brain. So if you've made it this far you'll know 1) I'm adaptable, so don't pity that my plans have changed because 2) in Africa I am truly myself and 3) I enjoy life anywhere I go, even if it's a hick town with only a pool.

-A

Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.

Why Prague?

Everyone has told me that if I'm backpacking Europe, Prague is the place to be. But Lonely Planet warns that Prague's charm can often be masked in a great number of tourists, so I'm having some apprehensions.

Stuck right in between two of the places I am most excited to see, Prague has slipped my mind on numerous occasions despite being one of the most highly recommended spots to me on our trip.

I'm worried that Prague's beautiful architecture will be lost on us after the experience we will surely have at Auschwitz.

Luckily, by the time we arrive in Prague it will still be low season in May, and there certainly won't be an abundance of tourists. I hope that we can find ourselves off the beaten track and away from the staple town square and castle.


Facts about Prague

• Almost one-half of the national income from tourism is spent in Prague.
  
• The city offers approximately 73,000 beds in accommodation facilities, most of which were built after 1990, including almost 51,000 beds in hotels and boarding houses capable of satisfying all categories of visitors.
• One of the only major Central European cities to be left unscathed by WWII.
• Many bars in Prague have signs that say "NO STAG PARTIES" because they are seen to be reckless and the boisterous nature and singing of attendees tends to be so loud that it scares off customers.
• The Prague restaurant Allegro received the first Michelin star in the whole of post-Communist Eastern Europe.